🧭 The Most Common Ways to Motivate and Demotivate Your Kids

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Here’s Where We Are Headed Today:

• Sylvia Rimm on Self-Esteem

• How to Properly Praise Yourself and Your Kids

• Favorite Posts I Found This Week

• Free Mental Fitness Links 👇

How to Properly Praise Yourself and Your Kids

Today, we are going to take a deep-dive into the topic of praise and recognition. There is a great article from 2007 called The Power (and Peril) of Praising Your Kids. I think this topic is larger than just motivating kids because it takes a look at how to motivate your teams, yourself, and those around you.

What you need to know: Praise can either build resilience or create a fear of failure, depending on how it’s given. People have always thought that praise helps build your self-esteem, but what if that’s not that simple?

Why it matters: When you praise someone, you reinforce a behavior or mindset. This matters because it shapes how that person sees their abilities and approaches challenges, affecting their future success and resilience. You’re giving them a framework for how they view themselves and their potential.

What the science says:

• Carol Dweck, author of Mindset, conducted a series of experiments on over 400 fifth-graders across multiple New York schools. In one specific study, students were randomly assigned to be praised either for their intelligence ("You must be smart at this") or for their effort ("You must have worked really hard"). The results showed that 92% of the students praised for effort chose a challenging task over an easier one, compared to only 67% of those praised for their intelligence.

• Dr. Roy Baumeister, a social psychologist, conducted a meta-analysis of over 200 studies on self-esteem and its effects on performance. He found that praise, especially when focused on boosting self-esteem, can sometimes result in lower academic achievement and increased fear of failure.

What can we learn from this?

1. It’s clear that how we give praise matters. Praising effort leads to better outcomes, while praising intelligence or self-esteem can sometimes have negative effects.

2. It’s motivating to others when you praise effort because it builds a growth mindset, encourages perseverance, and gives a sense of ownership to tackle challenges head-on.

3. It’s demotivating to praise natural talent because it leads to the idea of “gifted” versus growth. People will try to protect their “identity” of gifted instead of focusing on action and work. This “identity” will create a fear of failure and lead to avoidance of difficult tasks because they will do anything to protect it.

So what can I do to make this actionable?

1. Praise effort over ability - When you praise effort over ability, you’re emphasizing the importance of hard work and perseverance. You’re not reinforcing the idea that talent is fixed or that skill can’t be developed. This is important because it encourages continuous improvement and resilience in the face of challenges.

2. Be specific in your praise - When giving praise, be specific about what you are praising. This helps the child understand exactly what they did well and reinforces the behavior. Specific praise also makes it easier to replicate successful actions in the future.

3. Encourage risk-tasking - Emphasize that mistakes are a natural part of growth and that taking risks is essential for development. This reinforces the idea that learning comes from trying new things and that it’s okay not to be perfect.

4. Emphasize the details and the process - Focus on the specific steps and techniques that lead to success rather than just the outcome. This teaches the child to value the process and understand that success is built on consistent attention to detail.

5. Provide support regardless of outcome - Offer encouragement and support regardless of whether the child wins or loses. This shows that your support is unconditional and helps them stay motivated even after setbacks.

Example below for a basketball coach and a math teacher:

Favorite Posts I Found This Week

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